A Re-reshuffle Of All Cabinet Portfolios In The Offing

| by Gamini Weerakoon

( February 4, 2013, Colombo, Sri Lanka Guardian) The Cabinet reshuffle was on top of the agenda when the two old school pals of the Forward School for Backward Boys met for their monthly pow-wow at their Waterhole.

On ordering the traditional refreshments with ice and soda and exchange of usual greetings: ‘So-So, how- how?’ and ‘What for the telling-laughing also coming and going’ they got down to the main business for the day: What do you think of the Cabinet reshuffle?

Sudath, the strong supporter of the Rajapaksa regime said: Pukkah no? We need change no?

Sudath’s pal, Nodath: What Pukkah? Like playing Asking-Hitting no? Reshuffling the same pack and the same jokers turning up. I betted on Champika getting more than what he had. The thinking was that he would get oil, aviation and the Buddha Dhamma but he was shifted out of Power and Energy.

Sudath: Poor fellow. He was boasting that Sri Lanka was the only country in South Asia that had no power cuts. And then the drought came on and waterfalls dried up. After that the rains came and Norochcholai, the ‘Always Breakdown’ Power Plant packed up. You don’t blame the Chinese unless you want to lose your head or ministerial post, so the great talker shut up. But at last he was once again thumping himself on the back saying that in Sri Lanka every household had a 24-hour continuous power supply when he was kicked into Technology and atomic Energy.

Atomic Energy ministry but no energy

Nodath: What technology? What atomic energy with no atomic energy and only a radio isotope lab in the university where they are trying to control mosquitoes by sterilising them with Gamma rays – birth control for mosquitoes?

What happened to Susil Premjayanth? At one time he was considered prime ministerial material? True, contaminated diesel and placing wrong bets on hedging but that was done on the advice of financial and cricketing experts like Cabraal and De Mel. Nothing happened to them.

Sudath: My dear old classmate. Little wonder you failed all your exams in school even when the Examinations Department was producing correct results. You don’t seem to understand the basic principle of Cabinet reshuffles. In most democratic countries it is done when a minister becomes a pain in the neck, is too clever and rising or not loyal. Loyalists in the party have to be rewarded.

Nodath: You mean that girl Pavithra from Gem Country?

Sudath: She is quite a gem of a girl. Always loyal to the leadership. Whereas some legal and intellectual types got snooty and ducked the impeachment issue dear Pavithra led all the rest. She carried the impeachment motion and handed it over to Chamal in the glare of TV lights. Atta girl. She showed that women too were supporting the impeachment of the first woman CJ. That’s the stuff Rajapaksa loyalists are made of.

Nodath: You mean fellows like Premjayanth and Champika did not support the impeachment?

Sudath: Of course they did but they were only following orders. No thallu on their own. No shoulder to the wheel. Did you hear them making speeches at all remote places in the country tearing Shirani Bandaranayake to shreds like what Comrade Wimal Weerawansa did? He will also be qualifying for a free ticket to Geneva with board and lodging at a first class hotel. He has even dared to call visiting American senators as spies of Sri Lanka’s plan of action on American conspiracies at Geneva. The CIA has already protested to the State Department saying that Senators by doing their job were making them redundant.

Nodath: Lack of loyalty was the cause of being shoved aside in the reshuffle?

The Eh Dande story

Sudath: Can you remember our old school Sinhala master Pol Tokka’s saying: Pandithayata Eh-Danda haraha yanda behe: (The Pundit cannot cross the Eh-Danda)

To Colombians who don’t know what an Eh-Danda is, it is a log placed across a stream for people to cross-over. The belief is that a pundit on coming to an Eh-Danda will halt and deliberate whether he would lose his balance while crossing and fall into the stream while an uneducated peasant or even a child will go across effortlessly.

Apparently Champika and Premjayanth were deliberating the crossing while those who got better portfolios simply went across like Wimal Weerawansa and that triple barrelled named Anura Priyadharshana Yapa, Chairman of the Parliamentary Select Committee that recommended the impeachment of the Chief Justice. Triple barrelled Yapa got the plum, ministry of Petroleum Industries.

Of course not all loyalists were rewarded. Fisheries Minister Rajitha Senaratne who berated the CJ on TV often appeared to be fishing for something better, has been left out but then all fishermen are of the optimistic kind and await a better catch.

Re-reshuffle

Sudath, the party insider said that the reshuffle is not the end of it all .He predicted a Re-reshuffle soon. Look at all the unharnessed talent available, he pointed out. He read from a draft advertisement prepared by his party.

It was headlined: Walk in Interviews for Cabinet Portfolios

Wanted aspiring cabinet ministers

Those holding Cabinet Portfolios, Deputy Ministerships and Project Ministers’ posts too can apply.

Qualifications: Doctorate from any university recognised or unrecognised or even non- existent. But the prefix Dr should be placed before the candidate’s name.

Experience: Membership in many political parties as possible. More the better. Expulsions from parties added qualification. Reputation for Bribery and Corruption encouraged but should have no police record.

Extracurricular activities: Attacking journalists and smashing up media institutions will be considered as enterprising quality of the applicant. Unsubstantiated charges of making journalists disappear a distinctive qualification

Records of attacks/demonstrations against NGOs and Western embassies and the UN in Colombo are essential.

Green card holders or those with family members holding Green Cards have good prospects.

Applications are called for the following specific ministries.

Ministry of Hypocrisy, Democracy and Piety

Applicants should be dressed in pure virgin white national dress and be able to quote from sacred texts of all three religions at any given moment. Knowledge of evolution of democracy in Britain, America and France essential with a view to attacking the West. Should possess copies of TV documentaries with the applicant carrying trays of jasmines and lotuses with a retinue of followers who may or may not have criminal records. Police records of attacks on Journalists and media institutions essential. Should be very familiar with political high priests of all religions and able to get their support in times of any political crisis.

Ministry of Documentation and Forgery

Applicants should be preferably lawyers who did not oppose the impeachment motion but legal qualifications are not essential. Should have experience in substitution of forged deeds in land registries and removal of the original deeds. Prove capability of registering filled up marshes of state lands as property of dubious personalities and selling them at market prices.

Ministry of non-beheading rapists on Galle Face Green

Sri Lanka is a country of great tolerance and culture and does not behead people anywhere – not even on Galle Face Green – as suggested by a minister seeking publicity. Instead of beheading chicken is permitted and applications are called for a new Minister of Chicken slaughter.

Ministry of Pandang (Torchbearers)

A vacancy exists for a new minister of Pandang for holding up Pandang in the tradition of the Sinhala Kings of yore and contemporary consumers of Serrappu Soup. He/She must swear upon the Oath: My leader right or wrong. Those who have a reputation of making a complainant an accused and an accused a complainant are very welcome. The post has fallen vacant because the curse of Goddess Valliamma has fallen on the former incumbent for stealing chicken and goats offered to her from her temple.