How To Reform The United Nations

by Gamini Weerakoon

(May 09, Colombo, Sri Lanka Guardian) A true blue SLFPer, Abalang Ruhunuputra, was resting his weary limbs and shredded vocal chords after the exhaustive march from Campbell Place to the Town Hall lawns on Sunday when he received an invigourating shot of adrenaline from the TV screen.

Barack Obama himself delivered a personal message: American commandos had raided Osama bin Laden’s hideout in Pakistan and killed him.

The source of cheer and joy of my friend was not because of the success of the Americans or that the world’s most wanted killer was dead. He was overjoyed at the sight of Americans singing and dancing on the streets, climbing posts around White House, celebrating their arch enemy’s death.

Copyright Sri Lanka

Fireworks explode in central Colombo as people celebrate during Sri Lankan President Mahinda Rajapaksa's address to the nation announcing the defeat of the Tamil Tigers. Photo: Reuters

‘You snooty fellows in the media laughed at us when we came on to the streets lighting crackers and dancing, cooking kiributh and playing ‘raban’ while taking surreptitious shots of The Tree of Life on the side, when Prabhakaran was killed. ‘Euphoria’, ‘hysteria’, ‘triumphalism’ were some of the words used. Ha, ha, now the Americans are cooking kiributh down Pennsylvania Avenue…. he yelled into the phone.

A Sri Lankan man feeds a soldier A Sri Lankan man feeds a soldier with the milk rice pudding in celebration. Photo AFP

‘Hold it comrade, pipe down,’ we advised him. These Americans don’t like kiributh. May be they are gulping hamburgers and cola. Let’s hope they won’t celebrate their victory even after two years and keep doing the victory laps at every given occasion. Let us also hope that those top officials who directed the operations in Pakistan won’t be sacked to ensure that it was solely Barack Obama’s victory, we added

White flag

Ruhunuputra: You fellows are jealous. Ours was the greatest ever victory in history. Zero casualties. It was a humanitarian war. The Americans even to capture one person after a near 10 years killed four. I hear that one of our local radio announcers has said that bin Laden had come out of his room waving a white flag before being shot.

We told him that according to some listeners it was a joke. But Ruhunuputra won’t accept any jokes about the greatest of victories of all.

He continued: We must ask Ban Ki-moon to investigate Osama’s killing. Let him appoint the same three members in the Sri Lanka panel into Osama’s death.

When it was pointed out to him that Ban Ki-moon had been accused of being an American puppet, he agreed.

Change the system

Abalang Ruhunuputra continued: Wimal Weerawansa, our foremost thinker on foreign affairs, is correct. The entire UN system has to be replaced but even China and Russia will not agree. So, how is Sri Lanka to do it?

We suggested that Sri Lanka emulate the Americans. Why not form a crack regiment – call it the Kill Balakaya — and provide the same training given to the US Seals and capture Ban Ki-moon along with his three stooges and bring them to Sri Lanka. With the Secretary General missing the UN will be disabled. And they can’t appoint another Secretary General without knowing what happened to Moon. Sri Lanka, as President Rajapaksa said, should not be considered a small nation. We are big, big enough to do what Uncle Sam can do. So, we send our crack Kill Balakaya to New York and bodily lift Ban and his three stooges and bring them home in a specially chartered Hemin Lanka flight. Most of the Ayah Flights to Dubai will be held up but that cannot be helped. This is for the greater good of the country.

Abalang Ruhunuputra: But neither Moon nor these stooges should be hurt. We are a Dharmishta nation.

We reminded him of what J.R. Jayewardene told the San Francisco Peace Conference nearly 65 years ago: ‘Hatred does not cease by hatred but by love alone……’

At this, Ruhunuputra got mad. At the drop of a hat you want to recall what J.R. said. Aren’t there enough quotes in the Mahinda Chintanaya?

These pro Rajapaksa ultra nationalists are extremely sensitive to quotations of Jayewardene and even Bandaranaikes. So we concurred with Ruhunuputra.

But political leadership is required for the Kill Balakaya. Who was to lead them?

Ruhunuputra: Fairly obvious no? The man who had proved himself in the chamber of parliament, in television studios, in the back gardens of Maradana tying officials to trees and now his prowess at the Peliyagoda fish market, the incomparable Vermiya.

Big Coconut

And where will the hostages be housed? Sri Lanka has no Guantanamo facility?

Ruhunuputra: Not to worry. Buildings are springing up faster than coconut trees in Hambantota. We can hide them in one of those Hangilla hotels that are coming up. In fact we want to relocate the UN Headquarters from Big Apple to Hambantota and call it Big Coconut. All anti imperial countries will support that move.

All this is fine and futuristic but Ban Ki-moon is going ahead with the resolution, we reminded him. Big brother India is still mumbling and China too does not appear to be that enthusiastic. All does not appear too bad but as we Sri Lankans say: ‘Coming colour not good’ (Enna paarte Honda ne).

Hang UN resolutions

Ruhunuputra guffawed. Even if all Moon’s resolutions are accepted by the United Nations who cares? Sanctions will come? Which government collapsed under such international sanctions? The people are with us and will vote for us. The mighty international community went against us at the last presidential and parliamentary elections. You saw the Town Hall on Sunday? Do you know the number of buses used to transport them to Colombo? The more they oppose us the more the people will support us. We will show the way — the Mahinda Chintanaya way.