The truth behind the domestic violence – Part 1

by IIK

(February 26, Colombo, Sri Lanka Guardian) From many Asian countries including Sri Lanka large numbers of domestic violence complaints are received by the authorities every day. This is a really sad situation and most of the women's organizations and also some government authorities work on this issue especially to promote the rights of women and children. But the question is, whether these efforts are successful and if the problem is being approached through the correct path. It does not mean that they are doing useless work. Most of them are trying to implement the rules and laws which are accepted by the government and trying to bring universal values and laws into the society. These efforts are successful to some extent.

To see the real factors for domestic violence, first of all we need to have better understanding of the reasons behind it. When did it begin? Why do these things happen? There are many issues involved such as cultural, social, economic, psychological as well as personal. We have to analyze these factors carefully to find the solution for the problem.


What did out culture teach us?

Sri Lanka has been influenced by many cultures and religions and it has a wonderful history. It has taught us many things including the levels of male and females. We don't want to go far behind the history. When we look back, when we look at our own grandparent's, great grandparent's lives through their experiences we can be aware of the situation. Most of our grandmothers got married early in their adolescence. It means before they were 18 years old. This was their childhood. But the social norms make them marry early. From then they had to take all the burdens of the family. One of my friends mother have got married at 14. One day she told us her own story how she suffered. When she married she couldn't prepare her own hair even. She had her first baby by the age of 15. She didn't have an idea how to feed the baby and how to look after her. But luckily she had a kind mother in-law and she helped her to do all. She had gone through lots of suffering due to family conflict and later she had to take all the responsibility of the family too. This was not started after her marriage. She has given her word to her husband because she said she wanted to get away from her family due to her father's behavior. Her father was very strict person and he always beat her mother and the children. They were very scared of their father, and when he called sometimes her brothers and sisters urinated without any sense. (Later under the psychological influences it will be explained how this affected their mentality). Not only her, most of our mothers and grandmothers suffered due to early marriages.

Another issue is that society did not allowed higher studies for female children. Most of them studied up to grade 5. Society said and believed that the female children had to be at home and their duty was to learn all the house work to become a good housewife. The male were the bread winners of the family. Therefore, female children's main responsibility was to look after their younger brothers and sisters and help the mother for all the house work. Females were trained from their childhood to become good housewives and also they were trained to carry all the burdens and suffering in the family.

Those days society believed that the male children should have a proper food than female children. Therefore male children got all the good food and more food. In the family mother first served food for the father, then the children and finally she had whatever things available. Most of the time mothers didn't get the proper food or enough food. When she served the food for the children first she served the male children and then female children. From the childhood female children were trained to accept that the male are higher than them. This was practicing as a circle within the families.

In the family circle mother's responsibility was to manage the house, give all the comfort to the father and look after the children. But mother has a big role inside the family. Especially all the children attached to the mother than their father. When children wanted to tell something to the father, they didn't contact father directly. Always mother act as a coordinator between children and the father. There were some good values too. Both mother and father discussed and take the decision on children. Most of the time children also obey to their parents. When parents talk they never came in front. It is thoroughly restricted in the family .But unfortunately when children go wrong mother was accused by the father, relatives and from the society too, because one of the mother's responsibilities was to teach discipline and good and bad to the children. Mothering figure was a most holy and it was called "GEDARA BUDUN AMMA". They were the light of the family for their children and husbands.

Culture said that the women should survive under the authority of men in any circumstance. In childhood they were under the authority of their father and elder brothers, when they got married under the authority of their husbands and when they old they have to obey to their male children or male brothers. Always society saw women as a weak human and they are the toys for men. They always said women need the protection form male, they could not do anything without men, they were salves of men, they should stay at home, they should kept their mouth shut and they should maintain the patients under any circumstance and have to hide everything from the society. Anyway family unit was protected under this authority. Women did not talk against their husbands/ brothers or sons. When the women couldn't bare the pain or suffering they were used to go to their parents but finally parents advised her to go back to her husband and she should bare all the pains and suffering as a women. Therefore on those days people very rarely heard about divorce or separation. In these situation women were suffered a lot as a female child, as a wife, as a mother and also as a grandmother.

These are the teaching of our great culture about the women. But these practices were changing into the society to society. Rural areas women's situation was worse than urban areas women's situation. This happened because of the outside influences.


To be continued......