I love my India: Pilgrimage to Pataliputra

" My inexperience in election matters egged me on to ask a silly question: Ramsahayji, I heard in Patna that the Kurmi party and its ally have hired film stars and item girls for entertaining the voters. Are you also staging some spectacular shows?"

by Maloy Krishna Dhar

( October 07, New Delhi, Sri Lanka Guardian) Rambahadur Rai, an old school Hindi journalist who served Jansatta and now edits Pratham Pravakta, a fortnightly magazine, and an author (hereafter called Ram) invited me to visit the Kurukheshtra of Pataliputra (Patna) to witness the forthcoming preparations for another round of Dharmyaudh or Adharmyudh (vichar aapna aapna) between the forces aligned behind the remote, remote, remote…pretender descendant of Lord Krishna; who had orchestrated the devastating war at original Kurukhestra. His party was named Makhan Chor Party (MCP). His opponent was, comparatively speaking, Dharmaputra Nivesh Kumar, the cleaner Chief Minister witnessed by Rangdari (extortionist) Bihar after eons. His party was called JEDEEYU. The MCP chief, Lolly Pop deridingly called the JEDEEYU chief a Kurma (turtle)-muted form of his cast index. The fun was fascinating. I could not decline the invitation.

Patna, in a way, was a wild paradise compared to clogged, corruption-vitiated Commonwealth Games chaos in Delhi. After a gourmet hilsa fish lunch Ram attacked the phone like a teen-lover. After a dozen calls he announced triumphantly that a meeting with Ramsahaya, considered right and left hands of the Yadu clan scion had agreed to meet us and discuss poll strategy of his party. I felt disheartened. Coming all the way to Pataliputra I was keen to have a direct meeting with Lord Krishna’s remote….. descendant wrapped up in dhoti, wiping his face with gamocha (cloth towel) and regaling me with new version of Gita, Karmayaoga, Neetishastra etc. etc. I really wanted to ask if he had really stolen cattle fodder. I expected the answer: his great ancestor used to steal butter, what’s wrong with fodder! My hopes were dashed to the ground. Ram told me that the Great Leader Loly Pop was allergic to me, because of my stupid comments about him in one of my books (Gangland Democracy). Fine. We decided to meet his proxy, Ramsahay tomorrow at his den in a lane at Kadam Kuan locality.

Ramsahay was well fed with mother cow’s benign gifts and his roly-poly body left no doubt that he was also a product of some Akhara (wrestling arena). Ram was a known face to him. I was a stranger. As he mostly spoke in Bhojpuri I do not want to reproduce his endearing deliverance of the dialogues punctuated with expletive expression of intimate relationship like wife’s brother, sleeping with one’s mother etc, etc. His first detection was that I was a Bangali and naturally a Communist. Was I there to write anything slanderous about the Great Leader Loly Pop of the Yadu Vansh? Yes, I was a Bengali by birth, loved eating fish, but had no loyalty to any political ideology. I nurtured great honor for the Yadu Vanshi Avataar of Lord Vishnu-Yadu Gopal Shree Krishna. Ramsahay was somewhat assured. Remember, the Yadu’s are the bravest people of India. Do you know how many heavenly women Shree Krishnaji had kidnapped? No sir. Read the Gita again. I did not know that the Gita had recorded the sexual exploits of Lord Shree Krishna. Poor me.

Ram was more tactful. He started with a crafty leak out a “secret government study” made by the Intelligence Bureau about prospects of parties in Bihar election. Ramsahay was all ears. They say: Ram spoke slowly, your coalition is likely to get 135 seats and you have advantage in 15 others. What about that communal JEDEEYU and enemy of the country BHAJAPA’s prospects? Do they have any chance? Ram “quoted” the government study: nearly 111 seats with edge on 13 others. Ramsahay went out to the lobby to talk to the Great Leader Loly Pop over phone to share the secrets he just learnt.

Are you sure Ram? I asked. No, I lied. I want to get into his crania and find out what preparations they have made. Sit tight; let me lead him into the trap. Election involves application of social, communal, economic, malfeasance and warfare tactics. It requires huge organizational infrastructure, Kuber’s Khazana (money from God of wealth) and hundreds of rifles, revolvers and thousands of Lathis (long batons).

Amazing! Ramsahay returned and ordered samosa, sweets and malaiwala chaye (tea with thick cream). Apparently he was pleased. Over the snacks Ram again threw a couple of bombs: heard from XXX of JEDEEYU that they were likely to get nearly 60% Muslim votes. Ramsahay was really trapped. You are daydreaming Rambahadurji. Our party has roped in Shihabuddin, Gulabuddin and Mian Iftiqar. They are the unquestioned leaders of the Muslims. The Bangladeshi Muslims in the bordering districts are with Netaji, We have got them ration card, voter ID card and Netaji has promised National ID card to all of them-nearly 20 lac. The Mussalmans of Chhapra, Araria, Katihar, Purnia, Bhagalpur are mostly from Bangladesh. No Muslim would vote for the kommunyal (communal) BHAJAPA and JEDEEYU parties. We are the only cekular (secular) force. Mataji’s party, I mean Congress will also support us. So, we are the gainer. If there is any doubt anywhere we would get some kommunyal riots started and pass the blame on JEEDEEYU and BHAJAPA combination. They are the known kommunyal parties. More fun would be added if Naren Modi and Varun Gandhi are brought in for campaigning. We would definitely go for orchestrating few Muslim dead bodies here and there. Death means more sympathy and more votes.

I was perplexed. Sir, how can death bring in more votes? Are you politically illiterate? The roly-poly wrestler replied triumphantly. What happened after Indira Gandhi and Rajiv Gandhi were murdered? Congress collected more votes on their dead bodies. In our Pardesh (Pradesh) too if we noticed Muslim votes were swinging towards the Kurmi party we would stage manage couple of riots. The Great Leader would rush in blaming the lallu-panju (perhaps Lilliput) Chief Minister. He would distribute money, pick up Muslim children on his lap and promise free house and employment. He has already announced monthly emolument to the mosque ulamas and muezzins. He would promise enhanced Hajj subsidy. Understand, there is vote in death and destruction also.

My friend Ram was more taciturn. He shared other secrets of the party of the Chief Minister. According to him his political team had set up a Control Room at Patna and subsidiary Control Rooms in district headquarters. They had set up booth committees, hired Lathaits (long bamboo baton carrying toughies), bombers from Kolkata and imported 500 guns from Nepal. They intend not to allow your voters to come out of their villages.

The flare of the fire was as high as Ram expected. His Ghritahuti (fat offering) was more than adequate. Ramsahay sizzled up like a huge piece of kebab on live fire. Telling me stories Rambabu? Listen my side of the election Vedas. We have the master Control Room at the Great Leader’s home, managed by his computer wizard daughter Ekadashi. The Operations Control Room functions from my office. We have CRs in each district and police station level, managed by trusted teams. We have provided 10,000 cell phones with 20,000 SIM to the CR operators. We have hired 1000 Motorola handsets for our mobile teams. Our komunikyashion (communication) network is superior. Netaji can be reached in seconds.

We have hired 5000 Lathaits, 6000 wrestlers and imported 4000 weapons from Nepal. Have you heard the name of Ghazi Ibrahim? His people in Pakistan and Nepal are the weapons providers. They will supply 5 “hurricane” parties. Don’t know what is hurricane party? They are small bands of raiders imported from Nepal Terai. They are pressed into service to plunder voting machines, capture booths and kill certain targeted people. We also have the Brahmashra (ultimate weapon); the Naxals. We have paid three Yadu groups to remain ready for raiding affluent Kurmi, Koiri, Thakur Bhumihar and Brahmin villages. These are supporters of Mataji’s party or the party of the Kurmi leader. We are invincible Rambahadurji.

That is convincing, Ram commented in slow reaction, but I am impressed by the organizational network of your main opponent. Now that the Ayodhya verdict has gone in favour of the Hindus, the Muslims will be annoyed with you and your partner Congress.

Ramsahay blazed up like a bunch of faggot. You want to belittle us? We have divided each constituency into booth segments. Suppose Sitamarhi West has 500 booths, we have formed booth committee in each booth with about 12 members represented by all the important caste and religious communities. For the 500 booths we have appointed 5 supervisors; each one overseeing 100 booths. Each booth committee has a sanctioned budget of Rs. 10,000 per day for two months.

We have procured 1, 50,000 bottles of rum, whisky, tharra (country made liquor) from Bengal, UP, and Nepal. These will be distributed 3 days before the polls. Netaji has procured 50,000 saris, 50,000 dhotis, thousands of Bindis, churiyas, pan masala packets, hashish mixed bidis and cigarettes to be distributed amongst the Mukhias (village chiefs) and Rangdars (extortionists) as well as Mastans (hooligans). They are the people responsible for forcing the voters to cast vote in favour of our party.

Our friends in Bangladesh have promised supply of proxy mussalman voters in the bordering districts in lieu of supply of 4000 cows for butchers in that country. Each cow will cost 5000 rupees. But they have assured 50, 000 proxy mussalman voters. Why mussalman proxy alone? Don’t you require Hindu proxy? We are not fools. We have imported 20,000 from Jharkhand and 20,000 from UP. They are housed at secret places. Our people are preparing their voter ID cards. They will cast votes against absent/dead/quarantined voters. Our group leaders have already started working with the voter’s list. Netaji will decide which villages would be quarantined; means won’t be allowed to come out to vote. Many voters will be induced not to turn up by staging some violent activities. For instance, the Thakur villages in rural Patna are likely to vote for Congress and BHAJAPA. We will stage some violent incidents in those villages and try to quarantine them. Their proxy votes will be cast by our imported voters.

My inexperience in election matters egged me on to ask a silly question: Ramsahayji, I heard in Patna that the Kurmi party and its ally have hired film stars and item girls for entertaining the voters. Are you also staging some spectacular shows?

You are inexperienced. Colonel Shankar Yadav of Delhi is the Event Manager of our election. He has hired Kala Devi, Tipika Tatukone, Malalika Churawat and to top the entire show most important buxom item girl Dama Dam Thende. For each performance she charges Rupees two crores. People go mad after seeing her in almost no clothes. Our opponents cannot match our team. We have ordered 100 video CDs and 200 audio CDs which copy popular Bhojpuri films and popular songs praising our Great Leader.

All these must be costing a lot sir. Mine was a typical middle class reaction. Ramsahay helped himself to a big glass of Bhang (Sativa Indica) treated lassi (milk drink). Ah! Appears, you a novice in election matters. In your Bengal there is an idiom: fry the fish in its own oil. Do you think our Great Leader is a fool to spend his own money to fight the election? Election is a money-tree. You take the name and money pours in. How? At least 2000 party men will submit application for election ticket. Each one has to pay 50,000 as application fee. This will be followed by solicitation, bidding and auctioning. Certain seats may fetch even a crore as bid money. Suppose we allot 200 seats and the average bid money is one to two crore than how much money we accumulate! This money is partly spent for propaganda matters. But the bulk goes to the vault of the Great Leader for rainy days. There are lean years when you are out of power. Then there are donations to the party fund by landlords, businessmen and industrialists. They do not want to take chance. If they give ten to us they will give ten to the Kurmi and 10 to the kommunyal party and 10 to Congress. Whichever party comes to power they will suck the blood back like Kala azar mosquitoes. So, money is no problem. Another way of getting big bucks is to manage the media and get some positive stories published about our prospects. Our Great Leader has engaged Raghu Chawla, the reputed journalist to carry out publicity for our Makhan Chor Party. He has hired a dozen TV reports whose job is to flash electronic news about the Great Leader and blacken the face of JEDEEYU leader. Our media management is perfect.

Even Mataji is afraid of us. She cannot afford to annoy our Great Leader. With his vast MP support he is a pillar of strength of the UPA government. He has obtained the right to distribute flood relief money, NERGA money, Rajiv Gandhi Rojgar Yojana money and Indira Gandhi Griha Nirman Yojana money. Everything Gandhi? Gandhi is India, India is Gandhi. Our MCP leader is very close to the Gandhis and they are jointly forming government in Bihar. Delhi also will be jointly ruled by us and Mataji. What about other allies? Oh yes, there are Mamatas, Mulayams etc; they are Great Leader’s trusted friends. Hindustan is divided amongst them with the Gandhis as totem figurehead. We accept the Gandhis because there is a charm in the name.

My friend Ram is a provocateur. He feigned to reveal a secret to Ramsahay, specially meant for the ears of the Great Leader of the MCP. He had heard the JEDEEYU supremo that his party had hired 200 Bar-Balas (Bar-dancers) to perform in different constituencies as part of election propaganda. Some were hired from Mumbai and Kolkata. Ramsahay looked worried. He called the MCP boss and shared the secret. He waited for orders. Soon reply came. Ramsahay should not worry on that count Colonel Yadav, the event manager has been ordered to hire 400 Bar-Balas from Mumbai, Bangaluru, and Delhi and depute them to Patna under a safe conductor. Each girl would be paid Rupees 50,000 for each performance. This may go up to 100,000 if some of them agreed to do striptease on the stage. No clothes? Stupid, shouted Ramsahay, that’s not your headache! It is a matter of contract between Col. Yadav and the girls. See, Ramsahay heaved a sigh of relief. Our Great Leader takes on the spot decision.

Ramsahay offered us milked tea and Raskadamb (a special sweet) and explained that everything was under control. Mataji’s Congress party was striking some discordant notes. The young Prime Ministerial aspirant was asking for more seats, especially in Muslim areas. Muslims are sacred trust of the MCP; they are like our Harem properties. We cannot betray them by sharing with Congress. YAM is the best election weapon for us. You mean Yam raj, the God of Death? Stupid your are Mr. Dhar. YAM means Yadav and Muslim combination. Congress can go the Thakurs and Brahmins and some Bhumihars (lower strata of Brahmins). We have Dalit, means Chamar, Bahngi, Nai, Teli, Kumhar etc support also. Where does JDEEYU stand? Nowhere; they have Kurmi, Koiri, Kayasth etc support. Flash the news that the Makhan Chor Party is returning with big bang. WE may allow Congress to win 14 to 20 seats. Mataji has to honoured.

As we discussed a SOS call came from Kewat/Kaivarta Mohalla of Patna outer constituency. Any trouble Ramsahayji? Yes. This Bhajapa and JEDEEYU have instigated the Kewats (fishermen) to attack our Muslim voters in a neighbouring village. Want to see the fun? Come along. Scared creature that I was, I felt at a loss. Ram, the veteran journalist dragged me along. It was about forty minutes drive from the Control Room of the MCP.

The Kewats and Kaivartas are a powerful and compact community and had a history of rivalry with the Muslims over fishing right on the Ganges. The MCP, when in power in earlier avatar, had given fishing right to the Muslims over a stretch of 15 kilometers of the river. The Kewats resented the decision and on slightest opportunity clashed with them. The incumbent JEDEEYU government had called for fresh tender and the Kewats were the highest bidder; the fishing right was given to them. The MCP chief had been egging on the Muslim leader Maulana Hisamuddin to claim their right and prevent the Kewats. A local scribe described that MCP made this a testing ground and had brought in 500 Muslim Latahits from Chapra, 50 guns from Bhagalpur and 40 SOG (special operation groups) from Nepal Terai. It was going to be an “aar paar ki ladai”- fight to the finish. Was it necessary? Every war has a Waterloo sir; MCP considers it as the decisive war. Once convincingly beaten, the JEDEEYU will lose heart. All Muslims will rally behind MCP.

Ram had been in many war zones. This was my first exposé to a live and engineered communal riot. What do you think Ram, will the MCP have a cake walk? Watch from a distance. JEDEEYU and BHAJAPA are well prepared. Both sides are well balanced.

The fun started soon. Maulana Hisamudddin, convicted thrice for murder, spent 14 years in jail and accused in 20 other cases was on a rostrum. He claimed to be a Pathan descendant of Sher Shah Suri and demanded that 50 miles of the Ganges should be given to them for cultivation and fishing. He harangued the crowed to attack the Kewat and Kaivarta villages. The Hindu parties did not hold any meeting. They took ambush positions around the meeting place inside sugarcane, jute fields and haystacks. Hisamudddin opened fire first felling a Kewat. Ramsahay gave a war-call. Suddenly the Kewat and Kaivarta ambush parties attacked the Muslims from all directions. Their superior firepower overwhelmed the hired gunmen of Hisamuddin. He was captured and shot from a point blank range. What followed was a massacre. The Muslim homes were spared, women were not raped but all able bodied followers of the MCP were chased and maimed or killed. Ramsahay escaped through a jute field guarded by his special protection group of wrestlers.

We stood at a distance with other media persons. Some TV channels had taken live shots of the carnage. I had managed to take video for about 30 minutes in my mobile phone. Suddenly, a big police party descended on the scene. They surrounded the place, sent the injured to hospital and started questioning us about the incident. Who would dare deposing before police; that too Bihar police! Some journo gave some versions. No political leader was present for interrogation. Ram summed up the case: It is a case of traditional rivalry over fishing rights. No political instigation? Sir, we are apolitical journalists. There could be; after all, election fever is in the air. The fat officer warned TV channels not to broadcast the deadly event as these were likely to generate communal clashes; especially the death of former MP Hisamuddin would have affect on the minority community.

On way back to Patna I asked Ram should we visit JEDEEYU GHQ?

What for? You would experience the same that you saw in Makhan Chor Party office. Let’s fly back till the MCP ticket is valid and not withdrawn. Should we meet the Great Leader Loly Pop? Don’t try. Must be ruing the day he prepared for the Waterloo. He lost it, and probably the election.

(This is not a parody. The narrations are true. I offer just a little glimpse of Election War Preparations in ageless Pataliputra. Readers curious to know more about the Great Election Farce of India may like to read my book WE, THE PEOPLE OF INDIA-STORY OF GANGLAND DEMOCRACY; both in English and Hindi).