" The increasing number of divorces among Tamil diaspora is indicative of the fact women are so aware of their conjugal rights that any part on the husband to curtail the wife’s independence soon transmogrifies into a major violation of women’s rights."
by Pearl Thevanayagam
(September 13, London, Sri Lanka Guardian) The judge shook his head and said, “It is indeed sad that this lady had to put up with an arranged marriage due to pressure from the family. But then that is the way it is in Asian sub-continental culture”. I wanted to scream at him that arranged marriages are usually with the consent of both parties and are no longer forced except for a very few but I was not the defense counsel and only the interpreter. I could not tell him we are not Indians or Pakistanis or that we do not cover up ourselves in purdah or are stoned for being seen with men who are not our brothers or husbands.
The case which came up in the County Court last week was that the applicant who was convicted of attempted murder wanted contact with his son now living with his former wife and partner. He was also serving 10 years in prison and therefore brought to the trial in handcuffs. In her evidence the ex-wife said she only married the applicant due to sheer pressure from her family and that she wanted to come to UK, earn money and send it to her struggling family in Sri Lanka. She never liked him and in fact she could not bear him to come near her.
This all too familiar refrain I had heard umpteen times in the Tamil diaspora.
But the couple got married and in due course had a child. The applicant worked 24/7 in the three shops he owned and he also rented out a room in his house to his best friend to help with the rent payment. It emerged during the trial that the best friend gave a sympathetic ear to the ex-wife when she told him of how her husband would come home drunk and beat her up for refusing to have sex with her.
The upshot of all this was she one day left the house with her two year old son to a women’s refuge. But her cousin who arranged this marriage persuaded her to go back to her husband since she was shaming her family and she did so. Then a few months later
her husband paid for her return to Sri Lanka to visit her ailing mother. On return the lodger informed her ex-husband that he wanted to marry his ex-wife because she no longer wanted to live him and that they would be getting married soon.
The enraged husband then stabbed him with a knife five times causing his stomach to rip open and spill his guts. Now the wife who returned from Sri Lanka soon conceived another child with her partner, her ex-husband’s best friend.
The fight for custody of the child goes on.
The moral of this case is that due to high cost of living in the UK, young couples often take in a lodger to supplement their income not even foreseeing what damage this could do to their marital harmony. Quite a number of marriages are failing due to over-crowding and the sudden exposure of associating freely with the opposite sex unlike back home.
Unfortunately in the UK the justice system often favours women in divorce matters and laws are very stringent on domestic violence. You cannot even hit your child for misbehaving. The women who come to UK as spouses of arranged marriages soon learn to their advantage they can have the best of both worlds. Even the family home is granted to the wife.While Hindu culture strictly endorses `till death do us part’ the justice system allows them and even gives counselling that they should not live with a partner who is violent. In fact outside police stations and public places advertising hoards encourages the public to report to the police of domestic violence either in their homes or neighbourhood.
The increasing number of divorces among Tamil diaspora is indicative of the fact women are so aware of their conjugal rights that any part on the husband to curtail the wife’s independence soon transmogrifies into a major violation of women’s rights. No longer are you dictated to by the husband and you are provided with all the necessary support to further your studies or go out to work. In fact, both the husband and wife need to go out to work to have an average standard of living in the UK.
Before Tamils in the North and East started mass migration to the West, arranged marriages were quite successful since both families go through a lengthy procedure of vetting both parties. Although this is done through matching the horoscopes but overtly they check your caste, creed and financial background. After the marriage the groom is held to ransom with the dowry the bride’s parents withhold until he proves to be reliable.
So far so good.
Once you are in the West it is a different ball-game. Proposals are made and marriage preparations concluded before the bride even sets eye on the groom. Once the honey-moon is over either the wife or the husband finds out about their compatibility or incompatibility, the betrayals, the extra-marital affair etc. By this time a child or two would have arrived. Either spouse could be more attuned to western ways while the other party still clings to their conservative way of life.
In the wake of these increasing divorces religion has stepped in. I cannot keep count on the number of born-again Christian faiths our Sri Lankans seek in desperation. Whether you have an alcoholic problem, financial hardships or illnesses, these sprouting religious faiths offer redemption.
Rather than supporting causes for an independent homeland it would do well for concerned Sri Lankans in the West to address these problems and educate them in integrating and living in a western culture.
Post a Comment