Searching a Vimanam for Velu

By Gamini Weerakoon

(June 21, Colombo, Sri Lanka Guardian) Our men seated in four chairs around a table in a closed room looked dead beat. In the fifth chair was Velupillai Pirapaharan in spirit. Velu in death was proving himself to be as difficult to negotiate with while he was alive.

The four co-chairs had done their best to help Velu. They had made strong appeals to St. Peter to let him pass through the Pearly Gates but the answer was a firm ‘No.’ Despite recommendations from the clergy of Sri Lanka’s north and east and many European human rights organisations, the refusal had been firm: This is a place for angels and not serial killers had been St. Peter’s decision.

Hell refuses

They had then applied to enter Hell. But Satan too had been very firm in his refusal. ‘There will be hell to pay if I let him into Hell. This place is packed with those whom he had dispatched like Mahattaya, Kittu et al. Besides he will want to be the sole representative of the Tamil people in Hell and establish an independent state of Eelam. Hell is one hell. There can be no divisions or detractions from its independence, sovereignty and integrity, maintained Satan, the custodian of Hell.

Enter four co-chairs

Erik Solheim, Velu’s pal for long years was still trying hard to find a permanent political solution to the problem. ‘Look Velu we are all trying to help you as we always did. Why doesn’t the Sun God accept a Vimanam in Norway, the land where the Sun Never Sets?

You can hunt polar bear instead of Sinhala chauvinists as you did for long.’

Velu: What? To be confined to a plot of land in the icy wastes of the North Pole? I never liked polar bears. I want to hunt black bear in Tamil Eelam. Besides will I be the Sun God (Suriya Theivam) of Tamil Eelam in Norway? Will I have child soldiers to fight for me?

Gordon Brown: Look, you are not the only problem we created. Right now they are trying to throw me out of 10 Downing Street, I don’t have time to waste. I can provide you with a derelict castle by the sea up north in Scotland where you can sail the seas and play games with Her Majesty’s Customs like you did with the Sri Lankan types in your youth.

Velu: I am the Sun God and the sole representative of the people of Eelam. Do you think I will settle for a derelict castle?

Brown: Why not go across the Atlantic to the land of our cousins? They can provide you with the last word in modern living — spanking green lawn with a pink Cadillac parked by the side, kids in the swimming pool and wife in an ultra modern kitchen cooking you doughnuts, just like ulundu vaddai.

Velu: I don’t trust the Yankees. They ban my organisation as an international terrorist organisation, crack down on my collections there and arrest my arms dealers and then plead for me on humanitarian grounds. Besides where could I locate my State of Independent Eelam? In an Apache reservation?

All three co-chairs then look at Yasushi Akashi, the Japanese representative.

No room in Japan

Akashi: No. Japan does not permit political asylum — even in Heaven. Japanese policy is no imports — not ghosts — not even American rice. Land of the Rising Sun cannot have a Sun God. We had one for millennia. We will give money, plenty Yen. No asylum even Heaven.

They then tried India and called Manmohan Singh.

Solheim: Shri Singh. Can’t you provide a Vimanam, say at the foothills of the Himalayas

for Velu. After all you people were a godfather to him?

Singh: Acha bole. No, no. He is wanted here for the murder of a prime minister. Why don’t you try Tamil Nadu? Karunanidhi too was a godfather of his.

Velu: Not India. They let me down. After elections they dropped me down like a hot chapathi. Besides, Rajapakse’s boys are singing Bakthi Gee at New Delhi.

Gordon Brown: Tell us where the hell that you want your Vimanam to be? We don’t have all the time in the world.

Velu: My preference is Sri Lanka — in the cabinet of Mahinda Rajapakse. One lakh buckshee in cash every month, plenty of state owned vehicles, squads of troops as body guards. If my assistant Karuna can be a minister enjoying all these perks why can’t I be defence minister or even prime minister?

Brown: The problem is that this Rajapakse fellow is as stubborn as you are. He won’t have you. Not even as a ghost.

Velu: Even a ghostly minister will be fine. I can blow up the Sinhala chauvinists unseen or slit their throats while in bed.

Solheim: Shri Singh. The baby/devil is yours, since you have mollycoddled him for so long.

-Sri Lanka Guardian