Bush Speak

"The final question is, what does this mean for your economic future? Who gives a rip? Well, the primary steps — purpose of the steps I've outlined tonight is to safeguard the financial security of American workers, and families, and small businesses. The federal government also continues to enforce laws and regulations protecting your money. I got no more bridges to sell."

(September 26, Maryland, Sri Lanka Guardian) I tried to listen to Dubblyak deliver his speech, but I kept phasing out. So I pulled out a transcript and read along with the Dub. He stumbled over the big words in a speech that a third grader could have delivered better.

After 8 years of public speaking, he still cannot master a microphone. It squeaked throughout his speech as though his tie was rubbing against it the entire time. If this weren't so tragic, it would be hilarious.

Here is what Bush would have said if he were telling the truth:

BUSH: Good evening. This is an extraordinary period for America's economy. Americans didn't seem to like my ideas when I called this a bail-out, so we'll call it a "rescue plan." Now you feel better don't you?

Over the past few weeks, many Americans have felt anxiety about their finances and their future. I cannot understand their worry and their frustration. My friend Phil Gramm got it right when he said that this is an imaginary recession. And boy, he nailed it on the head when he said that Americans are all a bunch of whiners.

We've seen triple-digit swings in the stock market. Major financial institutions have teetered on the edge of collapse, and some have failed. But my friends, the CEO's of those failed corporations, got golden parachutes, so while the average person took a sound pounding, my buds are now vacationing in the Bahamas, where they can keep a closer eye on their offshore bank accounts.

As uncertainty has grown, many banks have restricted lending, credit markets have frozen, and families and businesses have found it harder to borrow money. My friends and family have fortunes that exceed the gross national product of most third world nations, so maybe I can convince them to loosen their death grip on their purse strings and make some loans at 20% interest. That alone could turn this credit crunch around.

We're in the midst of a serious financial crisis, and the federal government is responding with decisive action. Granted I didn't mastermind it, but I did participate in the coup to steal the election in the 2000 Presidential race. So I've been in office 8 years. Still, I had nothing to do with this crisis. Nonetheless I see this as my last chance to make off with hundreds of billions of tax payer's dollars, destroy what's left of the U.S. Constitution and put corporations officially in charge of the nation.

We boosted confidence in money market mutual funds and acted to prevent major investors from intentionally driving down stocks for their own personal gain, or at least that's what it says here.

Most importantly, my administration is working with Congress to address the root cause behind much of the instability in our markets.

Because my greedy, banking buddies gave loans to anyone who could sign their name, without any notion of whether they were capable of paying the loans back, or even had income, financial assets related to home mortgages have lost value during the house decline, and the banks holding these assets have restricted credit. As a result, our entire economy is in danger.

So I propose that the federal government reduce the risk to my fortune 500 buddies posed by these troubled assets and supply urgently needed money so bankers and other financial institutional leaders can avoid collapse and resume gouging consumers.

This rescue effort is not aimed at preserving any individual company or industry, just the ones I like. It ain't aimed at preserving America's overall economy, shish.

It will help American consumers and businesses get credit at 40% interest, to meet their daily needs and create jobs, because if people can't work, they can't pay those interest rates. And it will help send a signal to markets around the world that America's financial system is back on track.

I know many Americans have questions tonight: How did we reach this point in our economy? How will the solution I propose work? And what does this mean for your financial future?

These are good questions, and they deserve clear answers. The problem is, I have no clue in hell how this happened. But I took an economics 101 primer prior to delivering this speech and here is what King Henry Paulson told me. Now this is complicated stuff, so pay attention.

First, how did our economy reach this point? Well, most economists agree that the problems we're witnessing today developed over a long period of time, during the years when Bill Clinton was President of the U.S. and even back to Jimmy Carter's term. For more than a decade, a massive amount of money flowed into the United States from investors abroad because our country is an attractive, if insecure place to do business.

This large influx of money to U.S. banks and financial institutions, along with low interest rates, made it easier for Americans to get credit. These developments allowed more families to borrow money for cars, and homes, and college tuition, some for the first time. They allowed more entrepreneurs to get loans to start new businesses and create jobs. If you could prove you exist, you got a loan. Now proving you exist, that's a heavy burden. We settled on: I breathe, therefore I am. Some have called it predatory lending.

Unfortunately, there were also some serious negative consequences, particularly in the housing market. Easy credit, combined with the faulty assumption that home values would continue to rise, led to excesses and bad decisions. It hurt individuals and brought down the entire U.S. economy. Go figure.

Many mortgage lenders approved loans for borrowers without carefully examining their ability to pay. Many borrowers took out loans larger than they could afford, assuming that they could sell or refinance their homes at a higher price later on. Nobody could possibly have guessed that we might have to pay for our irresponsible decisions somewhere down the road. We certainly could not have predicted that such stupidity and greed would lead the next big one -- you know -- depression.

Optimism about housing values also led to a boom in home construction. Eventually, the number of new houses exceeded the number of people willing to buy them. And with supply exceeding demand, housing prices fell, and this created a problem. I learned that supply and demand are very basic economic principles, but it makes sense dudn't it?

Borrowers with adjustable-rate mortgages -- an attempt by lenders to gouge consumers in the event that interest rates increased -- who had been planning to sell or refinance their homes at a higher price, were stuck with homes worth less than expected, along with mortgage payments they could never afford.

As a result, many mortgage-holders began to default. These widespread defaults had effects far beyond the housing market. Da.

See, in today's mortgage industry, home loans are often packaged together and converted into financial products called mortgage-backed securities. These securities were sold to investors around the world. This is how my buds got really rich and stuck tax payers with the bill, I think.

Many investors assumed these securities were trustworthy and asked few questions about their actual value. Two of the leading purchasers of mortgage-backed securities were Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Since they gave campaign contributions to me and most of my colleagues in Congress, we decided not to ask any questions.

Because these companies were chartered by Congress, many believed they were guaranteed by the federal government. But since I've built the biggest, most intrusive, least responsive government in U.S. history, it's like the federal government has been off on a drinking binge for the last 8 years. Anyway, this allowed them to borrow enormous sums of money, fuel the market for questionable investments, and put our financial system at risk. I'm not sure what I mean by this, but let's continue.

The decline in the housing market set off a domino effect across our economy. When home values declined, borrowers defaulted on their mortgages, and investors holding mortgage-backed securities began to incur serious losses. We don't really give a rip if Americans lose their homes to foreclosure, but when investors are not making huge profits, we have a major problem.
Before long, these securities became so unreliable that they were not being bought or sold. Investment banks, such as Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers, found themselves saddled with large amounts of assets they could not sell. They were worthless, but they should still have been able to sell them. They ran out of money needed to meet their immediate obligations, and they faced imminent collapse. But we could not allow that to happen.

Other banks found themselves in severe financial trouble. These banks began holding on to their money, and lending dried up, and the gears of the American financial system began grinding to a halt.

Free-markets are always the answer, except when my personal fortune is at stake. With the situation becoming more precarious by the day, I faced a choice, to step in with dramatic government action or to stand back and allow the irresponsible actions of most in the private sector to undermine the financial security of all in the private sector.

I'm a strong believer in free enterprise, when it suits me, so my natural instinct is to oppose government intervention. I believe companies that make bad decisions should be allowed to go out of business, except when I don't believe that companies that make bad decisions should be allowed to go out of business. Wait, now I'm confused.

Under normal circumstances, I would have followed this course. But these are not normal circumstances. Too many assets of the very wealthy are at stake. The market is not functioning properly. It rarely does without proper oversight and regulation. Actually there is no such thing as a functional, free-market. There has been a widespread loss of confidence, and major sectors of America's financial system are at risk of shutting down.

The government's top economic experts warn that, without immediate action by Congress, America could slip into a financial panic and a distressing scenario would unfold. (Hello Bush, America has already slipped into financial panic and distressing scenarios are already unfolding.)

More banks could fail, including some in your community. The stock market would drop even more, which would reduce the value of your retirement account. The value of your home could plummet. Foreclosures would rise dramatically. Fear mongering has worked in the past with the war in Iraq, for example, so it's worth another shot.

And if you own a business or a farm, you would find it harder and more expensive to get credit. More businesses would close their doors, and millions of Americans could lose their jobs. The boogeyman cometh to YOUR community, YOUR farm, YOUR house, YOUR business and you will lose YOUR job if we don't give hundreds of billions of YOUR tax dollars to the guys who are already richer than God, oh and let them do whatever they want with no oversight, regulation or paybacks.

Even if you have good credit history, it would be more difficult for you to get the loans you need to buy a car or send your children to college. And, ultimately, our country could experience a long and painful recession. (Hello Bush, "could" experience a painful recession? You're spending way too much time on the ranch if you've missed the fact…oh forget it.)

Fellow citizens, we must not let this happen. I appreciate the work of leaders from both parties in both houses of Congress to address this problem and to make improvements to the proposal my administration sent to them. My own party members are revolting against this plan, but we'll rein them in, don't worry.

There is a spirit of cooperation between Democrats and Republicans and between Congress and this administration, since most of them are unlikely to feel any pain from this meltdown. In that spirit, I've invited Senators McCain and Obama to join congressional leaders of both parties at the White House tomorrow to help speed our discussions toward a bipartisan bill.

And thank God that John McCain has suspended his presidential campaign to come back here to Washington and inject Presidential politics into this mess. Because heaven knows that we couldn't do it without his vast lack of knowledge of the economy. A week ago he thought the economic fundamentals were sound and now he has suspended his campaign to deal with this emergency. Which is it McCain?! I haven't liked him since he ran against me in 2000. Surely voters don't want to hear a debate between 2 men who could be President in 40 days, about what they plan to do to LEAD us through this crisis.

I digress. I know that an economic rescue package will present a tough vote for many members of Congress. It is difficult to pass a bill that commits so much of the taxpayers' hard-earned money. But I didn't have to earn it, just steal it, so what do I care?

I also understand the frustration of responsible Americans who pay their mortgages on time, file their tax returns every April 15th, and are reluctant to pay the cost of excesses on Wall Street, but they'll get over it.

But given the situation we are facing, not passing a bill now would cost these Americans much more later. (Boogey, boogey, boogey, boooogeeey)

Many Americans are asking, how would a "rescue plan" work? After much discussion, there's now widespread agreement on the principles such a plan would include. I've heard rumors that the American people are about to revolt, but I think they're too comfortable to really resist.

It would remove the risk posed by the troubled assets, including mortgage-backed securities, now clogging the financial system. This would free banks to resume the flow of credit to American families and businesses. (Hello Bush, "remove the risk?" Don't you mean it would BAIL-OUT troubled assets? If your financial systems are clogged, try Draino or a suppository. )

Any rescue plan should also be designed to ensure that taxpayers are protected. It should welcome the participation of financial institutions, large and small. It should make certain that failed executives do not receive a windfall from your tax dollars.

It should establish a bipartisan board to oversee the plan's implementation, and it should be enacted as soon as possible.

In close consultation with King Hank Paulson, Prince Ben Bernanke, Sir Chris Cox, I announced a plan on Friday.

First, the plan is big enough to solve a serious problem. Under our proposal, the federal government would put up to $700 billion taxpayer dollars on the line to purchase troubled assets that are clogging the financial system. And if you believe that it will ultimately cost only $700,000,000,000 -- wow, that's a lot of zeros – then I have a bridge to nowhere that I supported, before I didn't support it. Oh that was Sarah Palin, not me.

Make no mistake about it, there shall be NO money for health care, NO money to reverse global warming and build a real alternative to the fossil fuel economy, NO money to protect the environment – our land, air and water, NO money to rebuild our crumbling, national infrastructure, NO money to improve education, but $700,000,000,000 to rescue my buddies, that's a pittance. And naturally we still have unlimited money for the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran AND North Korea.

In the short term, this will free up banks to resume the flow of credit to American families and businesses, and this will help our economy grow. Or better yet, I'll sell you the bridge in Minnesota that collapsed.

Second, as markets have lost confidence in mortgage-backed securities, their prices have dropped sharply, yet the value of many of these assets will likely be higher than their current price, because the vast majority of Americans will ultimately pay off their mortgages.

The government is the one institution with the patience and resources to buy these assets at their current low prices and hold them until markets return to normal.

And when that happens, money will flow back to the Treasury as these assets are sold, and we expect that much, if not all, of the tax dollars we invest will be paid back. Even better yet, I'll sell you the entire crumbling, national infrastructure.

The final question is, what does this mean for your economic future? Who gives a rip? Well, the primary steps — purpose of the steps I've outlined tonight is to safeguard the financial security of American workers, and families, and small businesses. The federal government also continues to enforce laws and regulations protecting your money. I got no more bridges to sell.

The Treasury Department recently offered government insurance for money market mutual funds. And through the FDIC, every savings account, checking account, and certificate of deposit is insured by the federal government for up to $100,000.

The FDIC has been in existence for 75 years, and no one has ever lost a penny on an insured deposit, and this will not change. Then again, we've never faced a depression in the history of the FDIC.

Once this crisis is resolved, there will be time to update our financial regulatory structures. Our 21st-century global economy remains regulated largely by outdated 20th-century laws. Let's get rid of the last remaining shreds of regulation. This is our last chance.

Recently, we've seen how one company can grow so large that its failure jeopardizes the entire financial system.

Earlier this year, Secretary Paulson proposed a blueprint that would modernize our financial regulations. For example, the Federal Reserve would be authorized to take a closer look at the operations of companies across the financial spectrum and ensure that their practices do not threaten overall financial stability.

There are other good ideas, and members of Congress should consider them. As they do, they must ensure that efforts to regulate Wall Street do not end up hampering our economy's ability to grow.

In the long run, Americans have good reason to be confident in our economic strength. Despite the meltdown in the marketplace and widespread abuse, democratic capitalism is the best system ever devised. Yupper.

It has unleashed the talents and the productivity and entrepreneurial spirit of our citizens. It has made this country the best place in the world to invest and do business. And it gives our economy the flexibility and resilience to absorb shocks, adjust, and bounce back.

Our economy is facing a moment of great challenge, but we've overcome tough challenges before, and we will overcome this one. And if we don't, I'll be out of office come January 20th, just one more reason why I really don't care.

I know that Americans sometimes get discouraged by the tone in Washington and the seemingly endless partisan struggles, yet history has shown that, in times of real trial, elected officials rise to the occasion. I can't name an example, but I'm sure they exist.

And together we will show the world once again what kind of country America is: a nation that tackles problems head on, where leaders come together to meet great tests, and where people of every background can work hard, develop their talents, and realize their dreams. Alright, I'm no Martin Luther King, in fact I can barely read this speech, but well, can't I have a dream too -- even if it is a dream that ultimately destroys America, I'll be rich, rich, rich!

Thank you for listening. May God bless America and no place else.

Americans to: Hey Bush: "NO BAILOUT. NO RESCUE!" Can you hear us now?

(Karyn Strickler is a writer and grassroots, political organizer living outside Washington, DC. You can reach Karyn at strickler4delegate@gmail.com .)- Sri Lanka Guardian