“I put the dentures in my trouser pocket and went downstairs. I was met by the matron. I asked her whether she would mind if I did a search of my own of the old lady’s bedroom before I took my departure. She said that she and Soma had searched the room high and low for many hours and felt certain that the dentures were not in Aunty’s room, however she said I was welcome to do so too. I went into the room and locked the door behind me.”__________________________________
by Upatissa Attygalle
(March 31, Colombo, Sri Lanka Guardian) I was bent over my income tax return and wondering whether it was worth anyone’s time in my sending one as I had still to receive a decent return on the capital I had sunk in my enterprise. By the way, my name is Tyrell Armstrong. I am a bachelor, five feet eight inches in my socks and my business is running a Security and Surveillance Service. Today most people know that no security officer provided by private security firms like mine could ever afford any bodily protection from the thugs and thieves who were mostly army deserters.
This new breed of underworld hoodlums were armed with stolen T56 automatic rifles and hand grenades. They took a perverse delight in maiming and killing people. Furthermore most of them enjoyed immunity from the police as they had the blessings of corrupt politicians. The private security officers were not permitted to carry even a pea-shooter, still the newly rich liked to have an uniformed security guard at the gate of their residence as it now had become a status symbol to have one. In addition I did some gumshoeing, you know a little snooping in order to make ends meet. My best clients in this branch of the business were wives of rich mugs. They wanted to know what indiscretions their husbands committed so that they could go on indulging in their own indiscretions without interference from their spouses. In the case of men it was almost always the green-eyed monster jealousy that brought in the lucrative customers. Rich husbands and boy friends paid handsomely to find out whether their wives or girl friends were having something on the side too.
Before she knocked on my door I got a gust of a vertiginous aroma of a very expensive perfume that wafted in through the open fanlight above my door. I looked up and said, "Come in". The door opened and revealed one of the most stunning specimens of a brood I had ever laid my eyes or hands on. There are only two kinds of dames, those who fall in love and those who make it. From knowledge I had acquired in a prolonged course in the University of Experience, I knew at a glance that this skirt certainly belonged to the second category. From her dress I also knew she had class and belonged to the upper bracket.
"Are you Mr. Armstrong, Mr. Tyrell Armstrong?"
She had a low cultivated voice but I detected that it had a slight edge of anxiety.
"Yes I am."
"Mr. Armstrong I wish to hire your services for a rather unusual assignment."
"Please come in and take a seat," said I pointing to the chair in front of my desk.
She shut the door behind her and advanced towards the chair. When she bent down to sit, the high but loose neckline of her designer dress gaped open and revealed the most exquisitely sculptured twin delights which were unencumbered by a supportive garment for they required none.
She sat down and crossed her elegant legs which afforded me a momentary long distance view.
"May I first know your name please?"
"Abeysinghe, Miss Anushka Abeysinghe."
"Thank you," said I writing down her name on the cover of a new folder, "Please tell me exactly what you require my services for."
Spinster
"Mr. Armstrong my dear old aunt Matilda is ninety-two years old and I love her very much. She is a spinster and lives with seven other old ladies whose ages range from seventy-five to a hundred and two. They live in a special home for aged ladies. The home takes in only a maximum of eight inmates at a time. They are of the vintage generation who had received their education in the English medium and come from the upper class of society. This arrangement is not due to reasons of snootiness. They belong to a class that no longer exists today, the gentility. Since they have so much in common pertaining to their interests, experiences and memories, they get on well with each other and are a happy and contended group. Fortunately the founders of this home had the foresight to think of this vanishing breed of ladies. At this stage of their lives it would be impossible for them to integrate with those brought up in a different world to theirs."
Miss. Abeysinghe paused to re-cross her pair of elongated gams, once again giving me a far reaching view. She then continued, "The home is run by a very efficient and kind matron in her early fifties. There is a girl named Soma who is twenty two and she helps out with the domestic work. Lastly there is a gardener named Krishna who claims to be sixty-five years old. Now the upstairs of the home is given out to six young working girls who have just begun their careers. The home provides board and lodging to them at a very reasonable rate. The girls are allowed to stay for a period of three years until they get established at their work places. Their ages range from eighteen to twenty-four. Now my aunt is convinced that one of the seventeen occupants excluding herself, is responsible for the sudden disappearance of her property. She gets up in the late hours of the night and walks about surreptitiously like Lady Macbeth with a candle in her hand looking for what she considers to be a valuable possession. Mr. Armstrong I want you to please find her lost property before she sets the home on fire."
"And what might that be?"
My client answered without batting an eye lid, "Her pair of dentures."
I am usually never at a loss for words but her answer left me dumbfounded blinking my eyes like an idiot. Then I managed to blurt out, "Did I hear you right Miss Abeysinghe? I thought you said you wanted me to find your dear aunt Matilda’s false teeth."
"Tranquilize yourself Mr. Armstrong. I realize that it is rather an unusual request to make from a person like you, but I implore you to take on the assignment. Expense is no object. You can name your own fee."
"Now Miss Abeysinghe, just look at the set of three photographs that are hanging on the wall behind me. If you don’t recognize those three illustrious gentlemen, permit me to introduce them to you. Beginning from the left, they are Mr. Philip Marolowe, Mr. Samuel Spade and Mr. Mike Hammer. They are three of the best gumshoes the world has ever known. They are my idols, my gurus, what would they think me to be if I accept an assignment to find a pair of dentures? It would be a gross insult to our profession. Miss Abeysinghe, let us be rational. You can get the old lady a brand new set of dentures for less than half my fee."
Vow to St. Jude
"Mr. Armstrong if you would kindly give me five minutes of your time I will show you why that is impossible. To begin with you cannot go out and buy a ready-made pair of dentures the way you buy say a ballpoint pen when you lose one. You have to visit a dentist who then forces a large spatula with a thick slab of wax on it by stretching your mouth to the left and right almost to a point of laceration. Then he presses it against your palate for a very long two minutes or more to get a wax impression of it. Next the reverse process is done to the bottom part of your mouth. You are then requested to come back for a fit on after three days or so. After the fit on you go home for a week or more to give the dentist time to correct his faults. After the first experience of getting her dentures my aunt made a vow to St. Jude that she would never ever step into a dentist’s clinic. So you see I cannot force her to do so now at her age, she wouldn’t survive it. My aunt is thoroughly shaken by her loss and I don’t want her to go into a deep depression. Now you realize I am sure why you have to take on this assignment Mr. Armstrong."
All the while she was speaking I was squirming in my seat but I managed to get the words out, "Miss Abeysinghe, I am very sorry for you and your aunt but I just cannot accept this assignment. I could never live it down, so however high a fee you may offer me I am compelled to turn it down." She got up from her seat without a word and walked to the door. She turned the key and locked the door, then turning round to me she said, "In that case I will have to make you an offer which you cannot refuse."
I was rattled by her reply so I got up from my seat and stood in front of my desk, then she began to walk slowly towards me while gently wetting her lips with the tip of her tongue. Along with her giddy perfume she was now exuding waves of undistilled sensuousness. The next moment I was sprawled on my back on top of my desk and she was on top of me. She was right, this indubitably was an offer even a Trappist monk could not refuse.
The next day was a Poya holiday so I visited the home early in the morning to catch all the inmates under one roof. I introduced myself to the matron who received me cordially. I explained my assignment to her and she agreed to give me her full co-operation. She said she would be very happy if the dentures could be found as aunt Matilda was now startling the visitors to the home by offering to reward them with fifty rupees if they found her dentures for her. The matron first introduced me to the old ladies downstairs. I noticed that the matron herself had a strong set of teeth and had no necessity for anything false. Most of the old ladies had a few teeth of their own in their gums and were managing quite well with them. The oldest inmate who was a hundred and two years old had joined the home fifteen years ago when she was eighty seven. She hadn’t a single tooth then too and hadn’t ever wanted any since. The matron then served tea and ginger biscuits. While we were having our tea I heard a sound of tapping on the ceiling directly above us. On inquiring as to what it was, the matron explained to me that one of the girls was participating in a Spanish Dance Contest the next morning and that she was practising in her room upstairs.
After tea the matron took me upstairs and told me that I was free to interview the girls. She had already told the girls while I was with the old ladies, to expect me. The matron then excused herself and went downstairs to attend to her duties. I knocked on the first room door. It was opened almost immediately by a saucy young girl of about eighteen years in a very short pair of denim shorts and a flimsy blouse tied in a knot under her ample breasts. I apologized for disturbing her on a holiday and asked her whether I could have a few minutes of her time to question her about the missing dentures.
Panties
"Sure, come in uncle. I could give you not minutes but all the time in the world." "Thank you that is very kind of you, but I don’t think I would require so much of it." Her bedroom was criss-crossed with clothes lines and they all carried about a fifty bikini type nylon panties of different colours. They looked more like bunting decorations put up for a party.
"Uncle I am afraid you’ll have to sit on my bed as it is the only place you won’t have your head in my panties."
I took her advice, crouched and found myself to her bed. She then sat close to me and answered my questions regarding the dentures. She had last seen them in Aunt Matilda’s mouth the day before yesterday at dinner and was unable to give any further information about them.
I thanked her for her co-operation and got up to leave. I crouched once again and made it up to the door with her, but as I straightened out I accidently knocked a pair of bright red panties off the line.
I said I was sorry, picked it up and dusted it.
"You certainly have a large number of panties."
"Yes Uncle, I have to. The reason being I have no special boy friend but a very large number of friends who are boys. I always wear fresh pair of panties when I go out on each date, also some of the boys don’t return my panties. All the girls have to use the bathroom at the end of the corridor, so I have to dry my panties in my bedroom."
"That explains it", said I and put the pair of red panties back on the line. Then she said provocatively, "Uncle you can keep that pair if you wish."
"Thank you no, they are not my size."
She was still giggling long after I went out and closed the door.
Streamlined figure
I then knocked on the second door and it was opened by a tall girl with a perfectly streamlined figure. She had long black hair tied in a bun behind her and wore a colourful flamenco dancer’s costume. Though she was a Sinhalese girl, she had an ivory complexion and looked Spanish. Her skin was glistening after her practice session. I went through the same routine I had adopted with the first girl and was soon chatting with her like a long lost friend. "Uncle I feel certain that I will be the winner of the Spanish Dance Contest tomorrow as I have practised hard and there are only two other contestants for the Spanish category. I work at a dance school and they have promised to make me the chief instructress if I win tomorrow. This means a raise and God knows I need the money. The high heel shoes fitted with metal taps cost me a lot but I could not get a pair of castanets to practise as they were not available in any of the shops in Colombo. For the contest of course the organizers would provide them." The moment she said that I knew she had taken the old lady’s dentures.
"Miss I suggest you hand over the dentures to me now and I promise you I shall not tell a soul that you gave them to me." She suddenly stiffened and her eyes flaming hissed, "Are you suggesting that I took the dentures?"
"No I am not suggesting. I am telling you that you took them and I shall tell you how I know. When I was having tea downstairs I heard you practising the flamenco. You were stamping your metal tipped shoes on the floor. I also heard the clicking of a pair of castanets. Now you just said that you hadn’t a pair of castanets to practise, so what is the best substitute? A pair of dentures of course."
She then broke down and started sobbing, "Uncle I only borrowed them. I crept down to Aunty Matilda’s room two nights ago after all the lights were out and took the dentures off her bedside table where she leaves them when retiring for the night.
I nearly got caught when Aunty suddenly put her bedside lamp on to go to the bathroom. She is a bit diabetic which makes her want to go to the bathroom once or twice a night. I ducked behind a couch and stealthily crept out after she got back to bed and put the light out. I was going to put them back tonight. Uncle I had to do it as I could not practise the flamenco without co-ordinating the clicking of the castanets with the stamping of my feet." "I quite understand my girl. You don’t have to worry at all. Just give them to me and forget the whole episode."
Wet kisses
I put the dentures in my trouser pocket and went downstairs. I was met by the matron. I asked her whether she would mind if I did a search of my own of the old lady’s bedroom before I took my departure. She said that she and Soma had searched the room high and low for many hours and felt certain that the dentures were not in Aunty’s room, however she said I was welcome to do so too. I went into the room and locked the door behind me. I then began looking around for a place where the matron and Soma could not have looked. Thirty minutes later I emerged from the room triumphantly holding the dentures high up in the air. All the old ladies, the matron, Soma and the girls from upstairs including the Spanish dancer were crowded outside the door. When they saw the dentures they let out a gasp and began clapping and cheering me. Aunty Matilda rushed forward and gave me several wet kisses on both my cheeks before she gratefully took the dentures from me and fitted them in her mouth.
"Where did you find them?" Asked a chorous of voices. "When I was looking around I noticed that there was a shoe rack besides the bedside table. On this rack on the bottom shelf was a pair of dusty galoshes." "Oh Yes!" Interrupted Aunty, "I used them fifty years ago when I was in England. I used them to go out in the rain and snow. I have never used them since then." "If I may continue, I picked them up and examined the inside of each of them and in one I found the dentures."
"But how the hell...began Aunty and then hastily added, "I am sorry Lord", looking heaven wards. She then began again, "How in Heavens did they get in there Mr. Armstrong?"
"Elementary my dear lady, I was given to understand that you always left your dentures on your bedside table when you retired at night. I was also given to understand that since you are diabetic, you have to go to the bathroom in the night. Well what happened was on one such occasion you had accidently knocked your dentures off the table when you were groping for the switch of your bedside lamp. By some rare fluke they had popped into one of your galoshes."
Brilliant
"Oh you are so brilliant Mr. Armstrong. Who would have ever thought of looking for dentures inside galoshes", said a chorous of voices and their owners surrounded me to shake my hand and pat me on the back. The Spanish Dancer slowly sidled up to me and whispered, "Thank You very much uncle, you were truly brilliant. I could come to your office after the contest to thank you properly." "That wouldn’t be necessary Senorita, it was a pleasure to be of service to you. I wish you all the best with your competition tomorrow."
I then took my leave amidst a lot more of cheering and clapping.
The next morning I was at my desk when I got a large whiff of her tantalizing perfume before she knocked on the door. I said, "Come in Anushka" and at the same time got up and walked to the front of my desk. She had held back knocking on the door when she heard me inviting her in. The door opened slowly and there she stood looking more alluring than ever. She had a bright gleam in her eyes.
"I brought your fee Tyrell", she said in a clear and assured voice which had no hint of anxiety like on her first visit to my office. She pulled out a cheque from a tan leather hand bag and handed it to me. It was for a very generous figure. I thanked her for it and turned around to leave it on my desk and put a paper weight on it. When I turned back there she stood with her hands on her hips which immediately brought a Madrigal I had come across years ago to my mind.
No beauty she doth miss
When all her robes are on,
But Beauty’s Self she is
When all her robes are gone.
"I have now to express my profound gratitude and thanks for what you did for my dear Aunt Matilda" she said and neatly stepped over her garments which lay round her feet. The next moment I was once again sprawled on my back on top of my desk and she on top of me. I thought to myself, "I must get a large couch for the office, after all if clients like Anushka insist on expressing their gratitude in this manner they may as well do it in comfort."
- Sri Lanka Guardian
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